Raising a strong-willed child is full of frustrations and lessons. You have to choose how to navigate this mine-field carefully. Emotions will be involved alright, but they need not give you a hernia in the end.
So there we were one day, getting ready for church. My daughter was up early, her bed already made and her breakfast on the table. I saw all that and smiled inwardly, but there was so much to do. She was out of her nightclothes and in her regular clothes. I gave the command to bath as I did other things for the little brothers. Ten minutes later, no movement from the little missy 🤨. Hmmm, what was going on?
Before I knew it, we were on the warpath. She wasn’t going to yield, and so was I. Time was moving and I was getting agitated. Desperately, I was now huffing and puffing around the house. And the end result was tears 😒. Good cop, bad cop always works. She was now ignoring me, but talking to the dad! Finally, I got over my pride and decided to find out what was really happening. Admittedly, that was the first thing I should have done, but well…
‘I just wanted you to be happy!’
Those words really hit me hard and got me close to tears myself. For all her effort in getting ready I had not even made acknowledgement; either by word or deed. I had not voiced my disapproval of her selection of clothes for church but that is how I felt. Despite that, she had really tried. The biggest lesson I learnt was to give encouragement and praise, even when things are not perfectly done but for effort. I mean, I long for the same too.
Taking ownership of my contribution to the situation
Sometimes we mislabel our children as stubborn. I agree, sometimes they really are. But as I took a step back, I began to see how I had led to the escalation of all this drama: I had to take ownership of my contribution to the situation.
- I should have woken up earlier. Because I was behind time my mood was not exactly sweet. That would have made a world of a difference.
- As parents we can be very generous in correcting our children and too sparing of encouragement. Praise makes them want to do more to make us happy, just like my daughter had said. There needs to be a balance, however, in dishing out praise because sometimes they do ordinary things in the house, which if they did outside, the world wouldn’t stop. I acknowledged my daughter’s efforts in my head, yet verbalizing them was all that was needed.
- Making their own decisions makes children feel all grown up and responsible. If I had given two acceptable choices and asked her which she wanted to do first, she would have gladly cooperated. I could have also made her choose from two or more outfits acceptable for the occasion and still made it out as if she had remained in power. Sometimes packaging plays a big role in the acceptability of commands.
Raising a strong-willed child is not easy. It demands tact and patience and strong negotiation skills! You need to have your ‘A’ game in discipline. But at the end of the day you will be proud of their independence, tenacity and strength. Their bravery to go their own way, even when no one is going against the stream with them should be applauded. I mean there are things we wish we were brave enough to do ourselves, right?
