One day, our daughter was talking to the dad excitedly and she asked a question that needed a ‘name of a place’ answer, but he said ‘yes’. She was not amused and called him out immediately for not listening, I laughed. I held it in my heart that kids need to be listened to. Giving the wrong answer is just one way to show we are not listening.
What is listening?
But what is listening? It goes beyond physical hearing. Often it is confused with obeying; although it can be substituted for that sometimes. In this context I don’t mean we have to do what the kids say. The listening I am talking about is the art of correctly receiving messages and interpreting them- a key component in communication. I say art because most of us only want to be heard, but don’t take the time to listen; and all the more to kids. Kids need to be listened to as well. Quite often we listen in order to respond, in the process missing a lot of vital information which we could have gleaned had we listened in order to understand.
How to listen
- Stop talking and/or interrupting the child.
- Be mindful of your facial expression. I have often had to rearrange my face to keep neutral 😐. If you can’t show a positive expression-excitement, engagement-better show none at all!
- Focus all your attention on them. The phone can wait, put it down. My daughter asked me one day why grown-ups are always holding their phones!
- Make eye contact. My 2-year-old will not stop calling until you face him, it doesn’t matter if you are responding whilst doing something else. He won’t have it!
- Wait for a break before asking questions. Kids can take the longer route to get to the point: limited vocabulary and expressions get in the way. I discovered your tone is also just as important. Sometimes I do ask questions but they come out harshly, so the children will just say ok or not answer, but look down. It’s heartbreaking to watch, seriously.
- Be intentional. Devote time to having a one-on-one conversation with them in a non-threatening environment- taking a walk, a drive, etc.
Benefits of listening to children
One of the biggest benefits of listening to children is getting their perspective on situations. It’s easy to dismiss children’s fears and worries: small problems to us are all their world. With the passage of time I have forgotten that siblings can be annoying and that someone taking my dolls can be infuriating! Gradually, we have learned to step aside and let them deal with each other as much as possible before intervening. My usual answer to their squabbles was to turn to the eldest and say, ‘What does it matter?’ That meant she got the short end of the stick; we expected her to be ‘reasonable’ and just bear it.
Listening to children conveys the message that they matter, they count and they think! It’s amazing how much it boosts their confidence when you take the time to listen. Our time is the greatest gift they can ever wish for. Quality over quantity-getting both is oh so heavenly!
Active listening helps children to articulate themselves better. When you inquire for clarity by reflecting their words back to them, you can assist them in identifying the emotions that are troubling them. It also helps to empathize with them.
My kids have interesting arguments between themselves. Both of them will be right, but because none is listening to the other, things can heat up real quick! Just listening minimizes conflict.
I remember a tiff I had with my daughter one day, which could have been avoided had I taken time to listen to what wasn’t being said. In the end she said, ‘I just wanted you to be happy!‘ and that touched my heart. Non-verbal communication speaks volumes too -kids need to be listened to, even when they are not saying anything, but acting out!
