The word discipline is usually synonymous with severity, harshness, strictness, corporal punishment and all negative and extreme reactions to children’s behavior. As such, the knee-jerk reaction is to view discipline as something to be avoided as the plague. Yet it’s just a matter of discipline and the home and society thrive.
In a way I do understand how this view comes about. From our generations going back the rod ruled. But the discipline I want to talk about in this post is more related to training than punishment.
I looked up the word discipline from different dictionaries, and I was drawn to this one by the Cambridge dictionary: “training that makes people more willing to obey, or more able to control themselves, often in the form of rules, and punishment if these are broken, or the behavior produced by this training.”
Effective ways to discipline
It is not easy to train and educate children wisely. Because, for the most part, the person in need of the discipline is the parent themselves! Not only that, a person can choose to cooperate or not. Yet, neglecting the work of discipline and training until a perverse disposition has strengthened makes our children grow up selfish, exacting and unlovable.
Obedience
As soon as a child is capable of understanding we should start winning them over to obedience. Those lessons are very valuable, because whether we like it or not consequences are part of life. The sooner that is learnt, the better. Lessons learnt in childhood last a lifetime.
It is the parent’s work to ensure correct habits and inclinations are cultivated in the child. There are habits we allow when we are alone, just us as a family; but it can be so embarrassing when those things are repeated in front of guests. And you can’t take an undisciplined child anywhere for fear of this embarrassment. Nip bad behaviors in the bud: as the twig is bent, the tree is inclined.
Tell your children exactly what you require of them. Explicit commands and expectations are easier to follow and measure. For example, a command like ‘clean your room’ may be vague to a child because our levels of cleanliness differ. The best is to give specific instructions like pick up your clothes, make your bed, arrange books in order. They will eventually see what a clean room looks like from doing these small tasks over and over again.
Obedience should be from principle, and not compulsion. The way we usually have our way is by shouting and threatening, which only yields anything but obedience. Rebellion builds up in them, and they start thinking to be heard one must throw a fit or tantrum.
Instilling discipline is especially trying for a strong-willed child. A lot of negotiation has to take place but there should be no doubt that you are still the parent, the authority figure in the home.
Self-government
The best discipline is for the child to govern themselves. Skill and patient effort are key to achieving this. And the best is to model this behavior. It doesn’t work to say, “Do as I say, and not as I do.”
I was really touched when I came across something that went, “When you shout at a child they don’t stop loving you, they stop loving themselves.”
At some point we all didn’t know how to govern ourselves, our emotions, our pain. We are still learning even. But a little love and empathy go a long way when our children are trying to process big emotions like frustration and pain.
Show trust in their judgement for even the little things, for that builds their confidence in their ability to make decisions. They will not resort to acting out for attention or validation. For example, you can make them choose between two or three acceptable options. You have made the choice already, but their participation makes them feel like they did it themselves.
Some practical tips
- Be consistent. Children are especially very sensitive to injustice, perceived or not. They want things to always be fair. If a behavior is unacceptable in one child, then it should be so to all with no exceptions: only girl/boy, youngest or eldest.
- Be firm. That doesn’t mean you should always be stern and harsh. A ‘no’ can always be expressed as a ‘yes’ to something else.
- Follow through on promises. It’s better to not make any than to lose their trust when promises are broken.
- Say things once. Repeating yourself gives them the impression that they will listen on the third try or when your pitch is higher.
“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way (Hebrews 12:11).” No truer word was ever spoken! Training is not easy for both parent and child, but if we are consistent, fair, firm, loving and trustworthy we will foster obedience and discipline in our children.
